Blog Post #8 (Essay Revisions)

My final paper is going to need revisions to change the focus of the paper in order to make it easier to understand and a more in depth analysis of specific topics. One of the first points that I will be changing in my essay is my focus on the different cultures in the Johnson Center. Instead of focusing on the regular gym patrons, new gym patrons, and staff, I will be focusing more on the new patrons. There will still be some focus on the other cultures, especially in how they interact with the new gym patrons. However, the roles of these cultures in my essay will be severely cut back. I’m doing this to make the essay flow better and easier to understand, because it was confusing when all three cultures were being equally presented. Another point that I will be changing is my use of sources. Instead of using five scholarly sources, I am going to change two or three for other sources, such as from the Johnson Center’s website or a fitness magazine. The scholarly sources were difficult to incorporate into the essay, and I feel that using these other types of sources will make my argument more effective, because they can provide supporting evidence that fits better with my thesis. These sources can also be incorporated into different sections of my paper, whereas some of my scholarly sources could only be used in one particular section. Another point I will be revising is to rearrange paragraphs and adding additional paragraphs. My paper could flow better and my argument could be better represented if paragraphs are moved, or if a paragraph is added to elaborate on a previously mentioned point. This would allow more evidence to be used to back up my argument, while giving more in depth views of a specific point with the help of a source or elaboration. I could also add additional paragraphs to describe the Johnson Center in more detail. I feel that I did not adequately describe the physical aspects of the Johnson Center in my rough draft.